SHC Extra: Christmas Edition
Ho HO HOOOO, Folks!
Well, it’s that time of year again. Ah yes, that magical time when your VPN stops working before you can Skype the family back home, your rough-and-tumble heater unit decides to go on the fritz, and your passive aggressive wife makes you feel as though it’s all your goddam fault:
Her: “Noooo, it’s okay, hon. Seeing my sister and mother on Christmas Day isn’t really importaaaant. I mean, after all, that lovely secretary of yours – what was her name? Cherry? – yeaaaahhh, she WeChatted you at 1:30 last night to wish you a Merry Christmas. So you’re probably already full of holiday cheeeeeer. Ha haaaa ~ another Christmas in Chinaaaa.” *dead-eyed smile*
You: “Uh hunh… How about you just skull another one of those 30-dollars-per-glass pints of Eggnog I ordered from Kate and Kimi’s and let this one slide?”
That’s right folks, Christmas in Shanghai. Breathe it in.
The month of December has been a marathon of Christmas festivities for the SHC bros and Hizzoes, and luckily for all of us in this extended family of miscreants and try-hards, the reports have been streaming in steadily from our dedicated legion of fans all over the city. We had ugly sweater sloppiness, record Xmas party attendance, and even a proper dalliance with some ghosts of Christmas past!
You see, while we were creeping around in the middle of the night at Feiyang stealing gear from the KHL locker rooms, we stumbled across Mr. Chen, The Zamboni driver, who caught us red-handed (Editor’s Note: or should I say, “Red-star-handed” eh? ehhhh? hahaaa – wait, no? Yeaaah you’re right. Shit’s weak). Instead of calling the Bao’an, he decided instead to regale us with an age-old Feiyang Christmas legend with a moral lesson he hoped we weren’t too crushed on Tsingtao’s to comprehend:
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through Shanghai,
Not one McDonald’s was open:
No double Chee’s, Not a single super-sized fry.
It was a travesty,
of utmost discontent,
For the one we call von Meister,
And all of his shit-faced friends.
“What’re we gonna do now?”
Slurred Aaron Liu.
“Just shut yer mouth,”
“I’ll think of someplace new.”
For hours they roamed,
The narrow streets of Puxi,
Swiping away on Tinder,
And embracing the debauchery.
Before long another came another voice –
Oh so meek:
“How much longer will we walk,
I just want to eat!”
Hangry von Meister rounded,
And began to speak:
“Shut yer trap Taggart,
Before you get beat!”
Then it finally struck,
An idea so great,
Hansy turned and bellowed:
“Let’s go to Found 158”
And everyone cheered.
They checked their BonApps,
It was actually quite near!
The SHC crew collected their senses,
Grabbed a few Mobikes,
and rode for the trenches.
Leading the charge,
Was the Fog Devil Captain.
For the small orange bike he was too large,
but he was making the plan happen:
“Let’s go boys,”
His voice notes peppered the chat
“Get off yer old balls, Duke!
And put on yer Ice Cocks hat!”
“No excuses boys,”
he continued with bluster,
“It’s Christmas in Shanghai,
Don’t be a duster!
“On Syer, on Dyer,
On Ivner and Dixon;
On Bryant, On Rupert,
On Aspell and Pitkaanen!
“On Scotchmer on Custer,
On Skarin and Tsui;
Pick up the pace there, Liam,
And make sure you grab Shinji!
“On Jackson on Barbon,
On Yardley and Krzmarzick!
On Kretzschmar on Karam,
Where’s that Norwegian Klepsvik?
“What? He’s hanging out with his girlfriend?
Tell him I said he’s a prick!
“But Boys, It goes without saying,
That no party is complete,
Without the presence of none other
Than Billy Longstreet!”
And so it goes,
That sometime later that night,
All the SHC legends,
Did it up right.
And to cap it all off,
As he tends to do,
Hans von Meister went to Homeslice,
And gave every member in the league a pizza or two.
Now folks, that wise old zamboni driver was drunk, I’m not going to lie. But the spirit of Christmas giving is a special thing: it’s intangible, really. One of those things you can’t actually teach, but just hope that your children will feel one day, and keep close to their hearts as they grow older so that they can share in that holiday positivity that makes the whole season worth it. Let’s face it, it’s not always easy to feel authentic things living over here in the Wild West of capitalism, but one thing’s for sure: this league is one of the only places left where we pitch in what we can, when we can, without expecting a damn thing in return. And if you ask me, that’s like Christmas every weekend.
The Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic
Now folks, this relatively recent tradition is only growing in popularity every year we do it. Here’s a couple pics from this year’s shit show known as the Ugly Sweater Christmas Classic. Pictures are worth a thousand words…
It’s only going to get bigger and better next year, so keep your ear to the ground next holiday season!
The Annual SHC Christmas Party
This year was unlike any other year in SHC history for the sole reason that we actually had women show up to one of our events:
Aaron ‘She caught me starin’ Liu + Shane ‘She thinks yer lame’ Anderson: “All right All riiiight Alllll riiiiiiggghhhht”
There was an abundance of free beer thanks to our new sponsor, Russel Brewing Company. And boy howdy, were there ever some good memories.
Resident Quiz master down at The Rooster and league member, Mike Custer, put on a special hockey-themed quiz for the different franchises. In the end, Anderson Sr. pulled his weight for the entire Green franchise, putting the green hats head and shoulders above the rest for the main prize of the evening: some more free beers!