SHC Extra: “Da Beer League Beauty” Awards
It’s that time of year again! Yep, you guessed it – time to reveal your favourite beer league legends who will be takin’ home the hardware for this year’s annual “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“. You see, every year we try our best to keep track of the half-in-the-bag madness that transpires down at fantastic ol’ Feiyang figure skating arena. And since this year played witness to one of the most competitive leagues we’ve had in well… to borrow the words from league historian, Brian ‘Da Prick’ Olrich, “Forever,” keeping track of all the great games and on-ice heroics was difficult, to say the least.
But, and this is a BIG BUTT, Da Beer League Beauty Awards are about something more than the scoresheets and championship trophy winners. That’s right, folks, these awards aren’t about talent. No no – these awards are about what happens between the (game) sheets, so to speak.
Read on to learn more about “Da Beer League Beauty Awards“ and to meet this year’s recipients!
“The Limp Stick Award”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the player with the worst shot in the league. This player can barely get it up on the best of nights, let alone after a few Tsingtaos.
This year’s recipient: Joe Seavey, EC (a two-way tie for the limpest of them all)
“The Drunken Philosopher Award”
a.k.a. The “Aristotelian Asshole”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who spends more time arguing about missed calls/undeserved penalties than he does playing the actual game. This player usually runs out the clock in a straight-time scenario in pursuit of moral justice, often with tragic outcomes.
This year’s recipient: Max Wendelin, Brian Pippard, or Mike Custard (The Fever)
“The James Bond Award”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who wears way too much f@&$in’ Gucci gear on the ice (white skates/gloves, helmet cams, patterned stick tape, darkened visors, reflective helmet, etc.). This player is ready for anything: sophisticated dangles, precision sniping, stopping terrorist plots, or using his intrigue to beguile your wife up in the stands.
This year’s recipient: Hide (silent but deadly/sexy)
“The Drunken Zamboni Award”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the player that spends more time floundering on the ice than they do standing. This could be due to skill level or alcoholism, nobody can ever tell.
This year’s recipient(s): Fran, EC, Midori
“The Beer League Bruiser Award”
a.k.a. The “Gongshow Gladiator”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the idiot with the most penalty minutes (anger issues) in a f@&king beer league.
This year’s recipient: Billy “Shortbus” Longstreet
“The Beer Grinch Award”
a.k.a. The “Buddy F@&ker”
Introduction: Awarded annually to the player who openly and shamelessly snags 3-4 ice-cold beers out of the team bin, but never has the fu*#ing camaraderie to refill it. This is also the same person who always asks “hey, got any tape?” then goes on to use half your roll. This piece of trash can also be found on the bench between shifts, drinking everybody else’s water because he “forgot his at home.” F@*k you, buddy f@#ker!
This year’s recipient: Mark Cobbet (we know your beer fridge up in Beijing is full of SHC goodness, you duster!)
“The FYL Award”
Introduction: Given annually to the player who regales the locker room with stories of sexual conquest and general debauchery. This could also be somebody who has a perfectly chiseled set of washboard abs, or somebody who’s constantly talking about their sweet job, or even their happy home life and beautiful children. Irrespective of their intentions, this piece of shit unwittingly sends his or her married teammates into a sombre downward spiral of envy, self-pity, and life regrets. There’s nothing wrong with this player on a personal level, but his lifestyle prompts hatred for living a life his teammates simply cannot… or do not.
This year’s recipient: J-Fit
“The Legacy Award”
Every once in a while we here in the SHC are blessed with the presence of a ‘character’ who, rightly or wrongly, leaves an impression on the community that will never be forgotten. This could be through locker room talk, on-ice antics, or even leading the charge late into the night at everyone’s favourite KTV. In some cases this award can be given to players who go above and beyond what is reasonably expected of them in order to help the league operate smoothly through the fall and summer seasons. This year’s newest award comes in the form of a trophy that will honour members of the SHC who are leaving China (for any of a myriad of reasons) and will undoubtedly leave us with a slew of painful, stinging memories that burn our collective urethras every time we think of them. Thank you for making this league what it is, you glorious bastards.
Slaney – Straight off the bat we got this prick. One of the longest-serving members of the Club today, “Dimebag” Darryl Slaney came to us fresh out of a Toronto reform school for “gifted” children. In a twist of irony, Devious Darryl landed a job teaching children how to read and write (back when teaching English in China wasn’t something you were ashamed to admit was your occupation). Lo and behold, this troglodyte’s propensity for eating his students’ glue sticks was matched by his propensity for scoring clutch goals and face-washing the hell outta anybody who had the nerve to stand in front of his net after the whistle.
A renowned character and top pick for every rep team or social event in the works, the Disreputable Darryl was usually there to stand up for his boys whenever they were in a jam on the ice, but was always there to connect the wider community after he settled down and raised a family. His efforts behind the scenes helping to organize family events and bringing everyone together will be greatly missed. Anybody who played with him will always remember him as the guy who reminds you why being on a team is so fun, and as the guy who loves his family more than anything. This league will be a hell of a lot quieter without him – and that’s not a good thing – we’ll miss your voice, Slane-dawg millionaire.
JP – Let’s talk about this goddam beauty for a couple of minutes. Question #1, does anybody even know how old JP is? Probably not. Why? Because once you find out he kills you and drains your life force in order to maintain his youthful appearance. As nobody truly knows how long JP’s been in the league, one can only assume that he’s moving on to greener pastures and a new beer league in some obscure country where nobody will recognize his angular features.
All highlander jokes aside, JP has been involved in this league for longer than we can even remember. He’s been a captain, ref, scorekeeper, exec, and even a puck bunny when the KHL came to town. When you add it all up, you’re left with the sum of a great career and a tremendous impact on the SHC that many of us will never even have a chance to emulate. We’re going to miss your poutine musk, you age-defying beauty.
BO – It’s hard to know where to begin with this bastard. If you don’t already know who Brian Olrich is, then you probably don’t play beer league in China. This guy is more than just a cornerstone of the Shanghai hockey community, he’s one of the original founders of the league itself. He’s seen more seasons of hockey than Don Cherry, and coincidentally is one of the only people alive who could don a ridiculously patterned suit and continue the Coaches Corner segment on CBC without anybody ever knowing the difference between the two.
He’s the master of the skate sharpening machine, the crafter of the Shangley cup, and the creator of more off-ice parties than any other three players combined. This gnarly old ginger has done more for this league than can be written about in a single article – you can’t really do him justice with the written word.
Just know that this sonofabitch gave everything he could to this league and never asked for a damn thing in return. He established the spirit of the SHC, and it’s the least we can do to continue to do what we can, when we can, without expecting anything other than good party attendance at a backyard BBQ.
You set a good example for the next generation of miscreants, BO. Good luck back home, and thank you for everything you’ve given – because it was a lot.
Hans – Choo CHOOOOOOO, all aboard the feelings train, folks! This grinning sonofabitch’s laugh is something that will stay with the lucky few of us for the rest of our lives. If you didn’t have the pleasure of meeting Hansel (so hot right now), then you missed out on the best part of being a member of the SHC. Hans’ self-styled jock haute couture ensemble is something of legend around the locker room. A petty few have tried to copy his look of hacking’ darts in the bathroom with nothing else but a cold beer and a yellow jockstrap, but it’s always fallen short of the original trend setter.
Hansy’s genuinely welcoming demeanour made the SHC a place where anybody could come to play and feel at home. He was a regular at shinnies and constantly bridged the gap between the Chinese players and the English. He captained the longest running franchise, The Fog Devils, and did more for the league as a non-exec than most of us on the exec care to admit. You know, when you go abroad and play hockey in random places around the world, you can only hope you run into somebody who reminds you of your best friends back home, somebody who you know full on well understands what it means to immerse yourself in the afterglow of a well-fought game by spending three hours crushing beers and chirping the weirdo foreign guys. And in Hans, we had just that. He was a communicator, a mentor, a captain, a coach, and an irreplaceable figure in this community’s ever-shifting landscape. We’re going to miss you Hans – you’ll always be the cup to our strap.
Martini – Ho Jesus, folks. Kevin Martini, a.k.a. Teeny Weeny Martini, is one of the unspoken heroes of this league. For years this beauty sported a ginger mullet that was nothing short of extraordinary, and it was all we could do not to just marvel and revel in its shadow – its majesty. Kev stepped into an exec role when the chips were down and pulled off something only a man with a the confidence to pull of that hairdo could – a complete turn around with our public relations. Some say it was his service in the American Army that trained him to be so gosh darn efficient, others maintain that it was his aloofness and inability to give a damn about anything beyond the next pay check. At any rate, his cheerfulness and camaraderie was something you can’t buy, something that we’re going to lack without him. Kev made this league better for everybody, both on and off the ice. We wish you luck, Martini. And keep those campfires burning brightly.