SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 16
Week 16 (and some of 13, I guess?)
We’re still alive, Folks!
Back from the dead – perhaps – but alive nonetheless. You see, sometime shortly after we posted our Tinder article on January 11th (about 20 minutes after, to be exact) our website crashed. We sifted through the ashes and we didn’t recover much, but we did find a few gems:
(Editor’s Note: I’m fairly certain ‘Tuomo of Finland’ is still a popular bedtime story in most parts around Finland. You had to be there)
(Also, we basically solved a cold-case murder)
Now, usually this isn’t so big a problem for most beer leagues around the world, as most adult hockey leagues usually have a bulletproof backup system worked into their fully operational websites. Additionally, most of the other international, volunteer-run beer leagues also have the luxury of professional IT teams looking after their online stats, weekly updates, and general online presence to ensure such minor setbacks don’t turn into a major catastrophe.
(The sort that would happen if one of those 40-year-old sinewy knots on Freddie’s jockstrap ever disintegrated)
But here’s the thing: we here at the SHC have a tendency to put our trust in virtually anybody who asks us to. So when we were approached by Jan Velich’s Bosnian cousins back in September, we hired them without a second thought.
In retrospect, hiring a misfit band of incestuous teenagers probably wasn’t such a great idea – that goes without saying. But it also goes without saying that the only thing that matters in this league is who gets to take home Shangley at the end of the season…
(you dirty, dirty girl)
With all that nonsense off the table, we’re happy to make 3 major announcements:
- Congratulations to Team World for winning the That’s Shanghai Sports Award for “Best International Performance” (personally, we thought Peter ‘North’ Gu was going to take it home for his stellar international performance in “Petey Does Slutty Shanghai Sexpat Slaves: Vol. 32, #MeGoo”, but that’s just a matter of opinion) Thanks to all who voted!
- The mysterious brain trust known only as A-Aron ‘Pew-Pew’ Liu decided to upgrade the SHC’s social media presence by kicking off our official Instagram account last week! Check out https://www.instagram.com/shanghaihockeyclub/ for all your favourite snaps and sponsor promotions. Our username is @shanghaihockeyclub if you ever feel like sending in a dick pic for Aaron to add to his ever-growing catalogue. (word on the street is that we’ll need extra server space after Dennis “Large One” Larcombe got carried away this weekend!)
- An extra special Congratulations to the Shanghai Tinderwolves, who stumbled into Beijing for the annual Houhai Pond Hockey tournament and left with the cup FOR THE 3RD YEAR IN A ROW!!!
(Editor’s Note: Didn’t beat the Xiaolong Bros in 2017 though, didja buds!?)
But enough about the glorious days of yesteryear. Here’s yer friggen’ roundup…
Capitalists 2 – Lions 1 (OT)
With CNY all wrapped up, the Capitalists came into Feiyang looking to regain their balance after all the Baijiu imbibed over the holiday. They faced a hungry Lions squad that were missing their replacement players due to not wanting to face the Caps injury.
The game started off with the usual post-CNY malaise from both sides, but quickly ratcheted up a notch late in the first. Shots were exchanged and as luck would have it, the Lions got on the board late in the opening frame, taking a 1-0 lead into the break!
“I don’t think we’ve ever been in the lead all season, so it’s like… for me, I mean, it was like Dad finally came home after going out for that pack of smokes 40 years ago.” –Marcus the Spahrkplug Spahr
During the second period, the Capitalists attacked the puck hard, throwing everything at goaltender Sandy, who stood tall (ironically), stopping numerous surefire goals destined for the back of the net. As time wound down, the Capitalists forecheck eventually broke the Lions D, and Richard “Ruby Ruby” Wrubel notched the tying goal.
During OT, Matt “Music is my Aero-plane (it’s my aerooooplllaaannnne)” Quaine broke down the ice, splitting the Lions D, and pushing it hard to the net, resulting in sweet victory for the Capitalists, and a consolatory point for the short-benched Lions.
Dirty Blues 3 vs. Fog Devils 1
Russell Brewing Company is happy to present you with the Pepto Bismol ‘upset of the week’. The reigning A division champs, the XXX Dirty Blues, are making a playoff push and were rip rarin’ and ready to go with a full squad against a feisty Foggy Ds crew Thursday night.
The game started a bit late as the scoreboard wasn’t set up… again. But that just gave the boys some more time to grease the wheels with a few Russell beers on the bench. After that, the game was off to a quick start.
Newly had two beauties: one he smashed bar down, the other deflected in off his abs – the latter was easily the highlight of the night. Our reporters caught up with him on the bench between shifts:
“It was tough because I’m on a diet, ya know? I’m avoiding carbs at all costs because I’ve been feelin’ pretty down about my 40-yard wind sprint times and my 12 pack’s been feelin’ like more of a 10 pack. Didn’t know if I’d have the energy to pull it off. I mean, I squatted 400lbs about a dozen times today, too. I’m just glad I’m still 23, boys!”
Other highlights included newcomer, Greg ‘Where’s my fucken’ skates?’ Zaitz, scoring his first of the season on a despicable trickler in the crease. We grabbed him for a word shortly after his milestone goal:
“Boys, seriously, how do you find a single goddam thing in that storage room? Everything’s dark as hell and it smells like death. I’m fairly certain these are two different skates, and neither of them are mine.”
The Dirty Blues did a relatively good job staying out of the box until the last few minutes, where they were given 4-5 penalties – deserving every single one of them.
In other news, Shane ‘oh my shoulderrr, it huuuurttts’ Anderson made his debut, but was almost immediately sidelined after an unfortunate shot-block-turned-body-check fiasco with DB’s defenseman ‘Super Sike’ Mike ‘You Really Thought I was Gonna Shoot?’ Mann. No word yet from the hospital’s burn ward, where Anderson permanently resides.
The Fog Devils did save some face, however. Star centreman, and salsa dancer extraordinaire, Patrik ‘relax your hips, please’ Ruiz took a pass from salsa guzzler extraordinaire, Hans ‘tight pants’ von Jeanster and Shane ‘I AM relaxing my hips, you’re just a shit teacher’ Anderson and pocketed a quick tic-tac-toe powerplay goal to end the game 3-1 for the DBs. (Editor’s note: rumour has it that Anderson’s 1.00 ppg average will be alive and well until the playoffs, when he’ll likely return)
*coughing* Is… is my fucken’ beer league PPG avg still…. still good? Just tell me it looks good–One… last toime *coughing*
Fog Devils 7 vs. Terracotta Scorriors 3
The Foggy D’s – fresh off of their upset forfeit to the Scorriors before the break – were looking for a turnaround W versus the worst dressed squad in league history, who coincidentally have just as hard of a time scoring OFF the ice as they do ON it.
Perro: “Bro, what did she send back? Did you see her bewbs!!” *mouth-breathing heavily*
Hemming: *looking at phone dejectedly* “…no… she must’ve fallen asleep”
Albert ‘I put the Double A in OAR’ Almukhametov returned to the ice for the first time after his annual summer vacation to stock up on smoked fish from Lake Baikal and the Russian equivalent of ‘Crossfit’, otherwise known in most civilized countries as ‘illegal doping’. Double AA was able to pot a pair skating alongside renowned Irishman, Patty Ruiz, who was literally on one edge all night after his trip to the annual Beijing Pond Hockey Tourney with the Tinderwolves left him only capable of swiping right… Right into the net, that is, with 3 goals and 3 helpers.
A few other game notes: Van Haleinster ended his longest point streak of the year at 1 game while Shane ‘Swishersweets’ Anderson sat out, ending his Ironman streak 22 hours
“Boys, Syer’s fawwwwkin’ piiiiisssssed about something. Think it’s cuz AA scored?”
Lions 3 vs. Fingertraps 2
aka: ‘B League Basement Battle – round 4’
The Shanghai Lion Heads (with slightly Chinese characteristics) faced off against The Green Stinky Fingers on Friday night to continue their heated rivalry over 4th place in the B division.
Things got started when hustling Lion’s newby Thomas ‘Flannery’ O’Connor’s breakaway met super goalie Herr Karl Von Frolischinsteinburger and his diving poke check well out past the hash marks. While a multiplayer train wreck was averted, the puck bounced right onto retired cosmonaut Nicholas ‘it’s not a tumor’ Gutor’s stick for the easy empty netter. This somewhat dampened Karl’s mood as only minutes earlier in the dressing room he was ecstatically going on and on and on and on and on and on …. about some German thing at the Olympics…
(Even the marketing teams didn’t see that one coming)
Things didn’t get much better when Markus Toblerone buried a beauty on Karl moments later.
Pictured Above: Markus Spahr
We’re not sure if the 20-minute dressing room talk by Karl on how the Germans beat the Swiss at some Olympic event had anything to do with Tobler being so fired up, but the goal was a beauty. Next, some vanilla-faced player scored for the green team, but that just got Lions’ Dennis ‘E=MC squared’ Larcombe moving. Now as you may know, Dennis is probably China’s best science teacher and when the coach put him on the energy line he did the quick calculations:
(Hmmm… can’t skate at the speed of light but I’ve got plenty of mass…)
Dennis cranked up the speed on the left wing, spewing so many kilowatts that the green team ran for cover, allowing for a dish off to Toblerone for an easy open net tally. The perpetually smiling Angel ‘of Death’ tried to ruin the Lion party with a beauty in-all-alone goal in the final minutes but it was too little too late.
Capitalists 3 – Puckhounds 2 (SO)
Playing their second game of the weekend, the SHC B Division’s second place Capitalists took on the 10-1-1 first place Puckhounds in a battle SO heated, you couldn’t see the play through the ominous fog. Scientist and Puckhounds defenceman, Mike “That’s not what happened” Dorris, confirmed that’s exactly what happened.
The game started off strong for the Capitalists, with Captain Matt “Go to the net” Whately going to the net to bang home a pass from the corner. The game continued as a back and forth battle until the Caps decided the best way to make room for 14 guys on the bench was to always have a couple in the penalty box.
With the Capitalists battling penalties, The Hounds took advantage and tied it up at the start of the second period. The game continued as a back and forth battle between the two clubs, with neither giving an inch. With three minutes to go, the Puckhounds swarmed the Caps net and notched a go-ahead goal.
With time winding down, the Capitalists took yet another penalty. Undeterred – or possibly just because the coaching staff was too wrecked – they pulled their goalie during the penalty kill and pressured the Puckhounds D. With the penalty expired and a minute to go, the 6 Caps banged the puck towards the Hound’s net, with Tony “Krusty the Klown” Kretchmar banging in the rebound to send the game to overtime!
“Yaaaahhhh Whattabout iiiiiit”
Overtoime, much like marriage counseling, didn’t solve a goddam thing, so to the shootout the game went! Ethan “I’m the better brother” Hunt scored on the first attempt, and Matt “I could feel it in my bones” Quaine scored on the second, while the Puckhounds failed to get any past the netminder on either attempt.
With that, the season series between the Puckhounds and Capitalists wrapped up, with each team notching two victories.
Ethan: Friggen’ screw you, bud! Sheldon: No – friggennn, screw You! Ethan: Stop blocking my punches or I’ll tell Mom! Sheldon: No! Frig off! See you in the playoffs!
*Iconic Music Plays*
(Dun dun dun dunh, da da da da dun – dunh dunh dah dunh – dah dunh dunh dah)
Dirty Blues 5 vs. Beardogs 0
In the final A Division tilt this weekend, the Dirty Blues took on the Beardogs in a battle to see who could hammer out the most alliteration. DB’s mid season draft pickups, Curtis ‘undeniably’ Good and Greg ‘the shit-winds of fate’ Zaitz both pocketed two goals each, proving once and for all that Canadian football players do indeed make great beer leaguers.
Beardogs’ centreman, Severus Sigve, possibly suffering from the combination of jetlag and an unfortunate salmon fishing incident, was not available for comment. Word on the streets is that there was another iconic “Bylad” moment that sent both the Snus Goblin and DB defenceman, Cole ‘the Manhole’ Paterson to the box on offsetting penalties.
The dirty blues cheering section, which consisted solely of Good’s gf, Marissa, was on fire all weekend – possibly fueling the momentous tear the DB’s went on over the ‘kend.
“keep yer hearts and minds to yerself, there, bawwwwds”
-Curtis Good (probably)
Once again, the game ended with some rough stuff. But the dirty blues penalty kill was flawless, killing off all 19 minutes in penalties. This week, the DBs outscored their opponents 8-1. The upstart Dirty Blues players were available for comments after the game.
When asked about the controversy toward the end of the game, Jan ‘Can you Feel ich?’ Velich from Montenegro commented:
“Not intentional hit, you knooooow. It’s, I don’t know man. Tendies are flashin’ the leatherrr and zebra buddy, he’s like all over da place with his tweeter and just like – no. You’re all beauties. Top corns and chippies, Anddyyyyyyyy!”
Unsure of whether Jan was slowly slipping into a coma or was just using some obscure slang he picked up while playing junior in Quebec, we stopped the interview there.
In related news, rook and all round good guy, Greg ‘yeah I can press a few platesssss’ Zaitz was sniffing a Hattie but was given a five-minute misconduct and ejected from the game after a collision in the trolley tracks. The smaller of the two trolleys, aka Joey ‘He Button-hooked me right in the knee” Barnabee, returned to the game after the horn to shake hands and take some numbers (not for revenge, mind you, but for his math test on Tuesday).