SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 17 (Paternity Results are in!)

Week 17 (and some of 14, I suppose)

Holy Guacamole, folks!

Beer league action was the talk of the town again this past week as the Blue franchise in BOTH divisions decided to light it up and go undefeated two nights in a row! Some say it was luck, others say it was the fact that we ran out of beer and everybody was sober for once, but we here at the offices of the SHC like to think it was something much more substantial and completely rooted in reality. You see, an ongoing controversy has embroiled the white franchise, and it showed on the ice. It wasn’t too long ago that we first reported how A league all-star and all round beauty, Brad ‘Bailin’ on my fatherly duties’ Newly, was caught up in a bitter legal battle concerning some ‘inconclusive’ paternity tests and rookie player, Joel ‘I used to talk about you at show-and-tell’ LaChappelle:

(Sweet jesus, boys! Hobbit height? Check. Crazy endurance? Check. Humble yet cheery bastard that is loved universally? Check – only one goddam conclusion we can draw…)

Now, we’re not the type of reporters to make bold claims without the facts, but Newly’s propensity for impregnating women with a single glance across a smoky dance floor is well documented.

(Shoulda worn protection, bawd!)

In other news, our crack team of cyber crime analysts think they’ve uncovered the source of our recent website crash. Apparently somebody in the staff room made the rookie mistake of actually clicking on a blatant phishing scam.

(Editor’s Note: The answer was an emphatic YES, if you must know… With a name like Anna Roger I just figured she was an ABC)

But enough about that, NO NEED TO POINT FINGERS, BOYS! Here’s yer friggen’ roundup:


Thursday Night

Northmen 5 vs. Lions 1

The Lions and Northmen hit the ice Thursday ready to duke it out for the oh-so-lucky ‘4th’ spot in the B division. The Northmen came out strong with break away goals from Jeff ‘My Portfolio is Pristine’ Goldstein and Simon “should have been Quebec 国” Pinard. The game quickly got away from the Lions, who were short-benched yet again. It should be noted, however, that for this International Women’s Day classic the Lions were missing star defenceman Jim Scotti ‘too hotty’, whose feminine prowess and maternal instincts would have helped his team to a more sustainable offensive attack.

Adding to this huge loss was the unfortunate loss of Dennis ‘the Patagonian Menace’ Larcombe who got laid out while refereeing the A game the match before, which – like an aggressive herpes canker – opened up an even bigger hole on the Lion’s D. The final score was 5-1. These two teams look forward to a solid rematch in two weeks as they look to clinch a playoff spot in the B league semi-finals.

Vikings 3 vs. Fog Devils 2 (SO)

This one was all about detph, folks…

With both teams shorts benched, the Vikes dug deep into their AHL affiliate rosters by calling up Shama and Liam, while the Devils leaned on their full-time loaner and perpetual temptress with a temper, Daisy Dukes.

“Reliable and dependent. First two words that come to mind when I think of Barry Duke” -Hans

League pretty boys and undisputed MVPs, Tomas & Patrik were no-shows. The rumour mill says it’s probably because they were holding hands at the John Legend concert. Fair point though: they’re gonna make some beautiful babies.

The Vikings came out strong with 2 goals in the first 5 minutes thanks to dingers from Ryan ‘I don’t do anything at the consulate other than take coffee breaks’ Baerg and Ritch ‘maybe I should stop stealing the limelight from my son’ Schaafsma.

The Fog Devils fought back with 1 goal in the second period by league rook and British aristocrat, James Eastwood III, esq., and snaked another short-handed tally by none other than Kyle ‘Slithering’ Sullivan to make it 2-2. We actually interviewed Eastwood after the game to get his thoughts:

“Ah, indeed. ‘Twas a right good crack, my fellow sportsmen! I fancy myself a few pints of lager now that that whole nasty business is done and through. I do believe it was a fantastic show from both sides of the pitch. Say, where shall I hang up my kit?”

He probably would have said more, but team captain, Hans von ‘Muricah, kept chanting “U-S-A!” until Eastwood stopped speaking.

Overtoime proved nothing so it was off to the shootout, where the boys in blue dominated. Shoot-out goals from Tickle-me-Tuomo and Sebastien ‘Youngblood’ Schaafsma sealed the deal for the Vikes. Huge defence work from the core of Sharin’ is Skarin, Itchy Ritch, and Tuomorg, the king of beers didn’t go unnoticed.

Vikings MVP was definitely young Seb, whose solid performance and GWG was enough to earn him shotgun during the ride home while his dad rode in the trunk.

(Editor’s note: trunk=boot, Eastwood, you limey bastard.)


Friday Night

Captialists 2 vs. Northmen 3

The Northmen and Capitalists came out for their fourth and final regular season meeting, and the Caps were fired up to square the season series at 2 games apiece. The Northmen got off to a fast start securing a solid 2 goal lead with goals from Shama “Yo mama” Kalishnikov and Simon ‘My Nips are Diamond Hard’ Pinard. However, the Capitalists continued to dominate the Northmen zone, eventually evening the score with goals from actually within the blue line – as opposed to their usual red-liner floaters from Peter “the melon squeezer” Helenius. It was a close battle up until the end where a Capitalist “goal/non goal” was ruled a no-goal. The Northmen later sealed their victory with another Simon “seriously boys, I’m cuttin’ glass” Pinard goal, followed by a lone effort goal from Trevor “BOOMi” Lai.

We tried to catch up with some Northmen players after the game and came across recently self-proclaimed Northmen Poet, Robert “Frost” Leiske to get his opinion. However, his sexually charged lines, bold rhyming scheme and continuous references to Pinard’s bleeding nipples was all just too much for our reporters to handle.

Vikings 3 vs. Dirty Blues 2

SHC fans were in for a ride Friday night with some tight action between the Dirty Blues and the Vikes. It felt – and smelt – like a playoff game as both sides shit a brick trying to drive their opponents into the ground.

Seldom seen beauty and SHC veteran, Matt ‘Holy Crap’ Chapman, surprised himself as much as his teammates when his wicked wrister found the top shelf through traffic from the blue line, making it 1-0. We caught up with the visibly impaired Chapman at the half:

“Yeah, I dunno, ya know? I was jushht tryin’ to stand up straight out there. Then outta nowhere everyone’s skatin’ up n’ congratulatin’ me like it wassa goddam AA meeting or somethin’ – Jayyyysus!”

Not to be out-drunk in public, the Dirty Blues’ rookie sensation, ‘Top Cheddar Bagel’ Mark Nagel took it in stride, hammered a Russell between periods, and came back on a carbo-load with 2 goals to make it 2-1 for the Dirt bags.

Luckily for the Vikes, team captain, Yosephine ‘The Nature Boy’ Natour found a way to get Tomas Simonsson off his WeChat moments long enough to equalize the game with 5 min left.

With 2 minutes left to play, things were getting heated in the Vikes’ zone. That is until a bleary-eyed Chappy stretched a dart up the ice to ‘Brown Gitch’ Ritch for a beauty 3-zone pass that set up the old-timer on a clean breakaway. Gitcher made no mistake (apart from the gnarly brown streaks he left behind on the ice in his excitement). He deked left and shot the puck top right corner for the GWG.

Player of the game was awarded to Matt ‘I didn’t even mean that to be a pass’ Chapman


Sunday Night

Fog Devils 7 vs. Beardogs 3 

В начале матча, игра получилось очень равно, но Beardogs (БиерДогс) удалось забить первыми. Они молниносно создали атаку 2 в 1 и безупречно отправили шайбу в ворота соперника. Не прошло и 5 минут, как ФогДэвилсу удалось справиться с сильным натиском соперника, и на табло загорелись 1:1. Дальше все шло как по сценарию, игра была напряженной, но “красным” удалось вырваться вперед, и они начали навязывать свою игру. Когда счет был 4:1, “Черные” смогли реализовать две невероятные атаки буквально за одну смену, и были в одном шаге от ничейного результата, когда Ханс “создатель Пиццы” смог великолепно отдать пас сопернику на пятак, что бы те забили. Однако, Патрик “быстрее ветра” Руиз смог показать свою неимоверную скорость и уйти в отрыв от команды соперника, успев забить также красивый гол с перехвата в пустые ворота. Окончательную точку в игре, так же поставил Патрик, где на быстрой скорости он обошел соперника, и за 10 секунд до конца матча забил еще одну шайбу.

(Editor’s note: I dunno, boys. I dunno – Word on the street is that Patrik ‘dirty knees’ Ruiz had 7 points though)

Puckhounds 3 vs. Lions 2

I’m fairly certain getting the score this close was a victory enough for the resurging Lions. We’ll see what the next few weeks holds!!!

That’s all she wrote for week 17, folks! Keep your eyes peeled for that coveted Thursday night shinny that we’ve been deprived of for the past two weeks! Playoff race is heatin’ up, boys! See you next week. Till then, keep yer stick on the ice!

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