SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 18

Week 18

Dang-Nangit, folks!

Week 18 hit us harder than a semi-trailer full of the SHC’s next beer delivery! It had everything – great goals, solid playoff position battles, and even some rough stuff for the sadists out in the crowd.

Not too many people know about Billy Shortbus’ secret fancies, rest assured, we’ll be turning it into a serial instalment soon

In other news. The grapevine was abuzz with gossip related to an outbreak in irritated goalies. Nobody’s quite sure what got the tendies all riled up in such a bad mood this past weekend, but our fully qualified stats squad down here at the offices of the SHC did some analytics and compiled some big data into a useful visual chart to help explain it for us.

(Could have something to do with it…?)

Anyways, enough about that. Here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

Friday Night

Capitalists 8 – Lions 3

Kicking off Friday night was an epic battle between the Lions and the Capitalists of Zhongshan St. The Lions pounced into action and capitalized on the Capitalists’ slow start with a quick goal. Things seemed to go from bad to worse for the Caps when Harvey ‘it wasn’t me’ He got called for tripping on only his second shift of the game. During the kill, though, the Caps took it to the Lions, pressuring their Defense and keeping the puck well away from their net.

“I’d get in there, but Wrubel’s giving me the creeps, like hard”

The PK seemed to inspire the Caps line of Richard, Tony, and Ethan, who immediately went out and evened the score, and notched the go-ahead goal a shift later! The Lions wouldn’t roll over and show their bellies though, and took it back to the Caps for the rest of the period.

After the break, the Caps were up 3-1, with a late goal from Peter “Who the f@%k steals non-alcoholic beers?” Helenius. But a quick Lions goal got the team in red right back in it. However, the next shift, Richard ‘They count stats?!’ Wrubel decided that he wanted to move up the rankings at and fired two goals to the back of the Lions net on the same shift. Finishing the game with a Hat-trick, Rocket Richard agreed to sit down with us for a chat:

“I haven’t been allowed back on a safari ever since… I miss her – the motherland – but alas, they didn’t look too kindly on hunting the most dangerous game – man…”

We didn’t really know what the hell that was all about, so we quietly backed away and thanked him for his interview.

“How’s about this for an idea, Wrubel? Stop staring at me with your dead eyes and line up for the face-off”

The Caps got in trouble again with penalties, but exercised a great PK that produced a breakaway goal after Matt “F@%k my ankle hurts” Whately blocked a shot from the point, and had a clear way to the Lions net after the puck bounced out of the zone.

“Didja see it tho, boys!? Puck was all like, BLAM PEW, right off my ankle! I was all like RRrrrroooowwww right up the ice, and BINGOooooOO BABEHHHH”

The Caps poured it on late in the late game, scoring 3 more goals to keep the Lions from catching up. With the win, the Capitalists swept the season series and got 2 much needed points in the B playoff seeding battle.


Fog Devils 3 vs. Dirty Blues 1 (avec Français)

Que dire de cet étalon russe qui scrore tous nos buts. Il peut sembler immature ou bien prude avec sa petite serviette autour du pubis . Il est toujous le russe “underage” qui score plus que tous les autres joueurs…. James, trop cute avec ta serviette….. Le fais que tu prennes ta bites dans la photo aide vraiment ce segment… Kyle, s’il vous plait, c’est quoi c’ette pose là, et pourquoi ton collègue de gauche te regarde? Barry svp est-ce que tu peux cacher cette semi-érection?…

Et pour tout dire les gardiens ont été supers, leurs mittaines ont été fantastiques ils ont sauvé le match plusieurs fois…

Pour votre informqtion , les FD ont gagnés 3-1 dans un filet desets.

(editor’s note: I think I’m snow-blind. Jayyysus)

Sunday Night

Northmen 4 vs. Fingertraps 1

Sunday’s Northmen and Traps matchup was their fourth and final of the regular season. With the traps leading the series 2 to 1, the North were looking to even up the score. After an initial back-and-forth Simon ‘Jean Luc’ Pinard of the North buried one past the traps goaltender. Not long after that a beauty pass from behind the net by Eddie ‘The Teddy’ Tsui resulted in a top corner snipe by Liam ‘gotta see ‘em to believe ‘em’ Austin, making it 2-nil for the North. The downpour didn’t stop there with a beauty long pass from Jim ‘The junkyard dog’ Corriveau to BOOMi 回 Lai for a top shelf goal. After another Boomi Northmen goal, Traps’ Superstar Angel ‘Giving me a nickname is wrong’ Huang decided to go end-to-end around the entire Northmen roster in a single shift to put the Traps on the board.

There were quite a few chances for the traps in the Northmen zone but they couldn’t seem to get anything else going. With only two games left for both sides this year it seems like the playoff picture is coming together.

Scorriors 5 vs. Vikings 2

With the battle for third place heating up, the Scorriors received a blessing on Sunday night: Tomas Simonsson celebrated his birthday by taking a crew of Swedes (sans Jofa) on an all-inclusive ski trip. This left the Vikings squad depleted and undermanned for a game that didn’t even matter for them as they have already clinched first place.

The game featured Young Swede and Jackie Chan in net, who each contributed huge saves to the winning team. Tyler ‘Let’s grab a donaire’ Perro got the scoring started for the Scorriors and they never looked back. Simon “I ate 55 chicken wings” Stoeltze and Ryan Krzmadfdjadlkjdscndsak each scored goals while Neville Longbottom scored his first career SHC goal (probably).

The Vikings kept it close with two goals of their own. We can’t be sure who scored the goals, but they were definitely not Jofa. Chapman also played, which is worth noting! In the end, Darien Bryant iced the game on a breakaway that he really didn’t want and nearly collapsed after skating so hard.

Well folks, that’s all she wrote for week 18! Keep your eye on the wall and stay on the prize. Until then, keep your stick on the ice!

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