SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 19

Week 19

Tender Love and Gang Violence, Folks!

Week 19 action lit up our switchboards like a Christmas tree with all the hardcore hockey action taking place down at ol’ Feiyang.

“Hard to tell if it’s a Christmas tree when there’s no colour, lolz!”
“This is why you’re single, Christina.”

But interestingly, not all the calls were about the high level of hockey that went down. You see folks, as much as we try to screen incoming players, sometimes we let some bad apples slip through the ass crack. Luckily for us, anonymous sources recently brought something to our attention that our security team of highly qualified background-check experts should have picked up on:

That’s right, folks. Mark Zuckerberg himself – no doubt scandalized by the recent Cambridge Analytica revelations back in the US – threw on a shitty accent, got a shitty low-key job here in Shanghai, grew a shitty beard and joined the SHC. Now, usually we’d be worried about our data here at the head office, but as luck would have it, we haven’t kept stats for months!

But enough about that – here’s yer friggen’ roundup:

 Friday Night

Northmen 2 vs. Lions 1

Friday night’s B league matchup was the final meeting of the season between the Northmen and The Lions. After their last meeting ended in predictable disaster, Lion’s assistant coach, Barry ‘Barely Legal’ Duke advised his squad to keep their line combinations more secretive than that nameless, encrypted folder buried deep on his hard drive.

(Yer a creep, Duke!)

With the air of surprise mounting, Jim ‘Do These Bike Shorts Make my Junk Look Fat?’ Scotti lugged the skate sharpener up the stairs and set up shop outside the women’s bathroom, a.k.a. “Scotti’s Office”. When some hapless young rook asked him how much he charges, Scotti simply replied,

“I don’t do this shit for money – I’m a simple man. Sniffing toilet seats is the only reward I need.”

(editor’s note: we’d ask, but we don’t want the answer)

The game got off to a good back-and-forth between the Bloods and Crips. After a drive-by spray by ‘Dead-eye’ Dyer, Boombox Lai was there to cap the rebound. Not long after that the Northmen went up by two with another midnight strike by Stevey ‘Ride or Dyer’. The Bloods were able to get some revenge on the powerplay after the Crips were caught trippin’, but not literally, half their squad was on the ice, so they got called for too many men and had to slow their goddam roll for a couple minutes.

This led to some confusion between the Crips and guest referee Tim “The Constant” Gardener as to who can and cannot serve a bench minor. Bloods’ midseason pick-up, Tommy “Gun” O’Connor did his best to settle the blood feud, but couldn’t pull the trigger in the end. The game ended with a 2 to 1 victory for the Crips, who swept the season series. After the game, the two teams decided to turn the page on their violent past and shared a photo in good sportsmanship.

Vikings 8 vs. Fog Devils 4

The Vikings got a good glimpse at a possible playoff scenario when they squared off with the Fog Devils in the evening’s late matchup. Great performances from all players ensured a heavy-handed victory for the boys in blue. Rowdy Roddy Rikard (who just turned 40 and finally cut his eurotrash hair) looked especially fabulous out there scoring a hatty, seemingly pulling out of the mid-life crisis tailspin he’s been stuck in for the past few months.

Sebastien, Ritch, Tomas, and Baerg all played great and each had a goal. Yofa played his part, racking up 5 apples on the night. The real highlight, however, was Ryan ‘Freefolk’ Baerg’s post-game professional development session on how to look professional at work when you’re actually straight up pickled on Irish coffees:

“Here’s the friggen’ trick, guys: just make sure you’re always pointing yer hands away from you, and always in the same direction. That way people won’t take notice of how glassy your eyes are. However, If you catch’em tryin’ to make eye contact, just grab a piece of paper and pretend it’s making you happier than all of yer kids combined.”

The Vikes’ d-core played amazing, with Tickle-me-Tuomo and Martin RC Racer taking care of Patrik – mainly by chirping some good ol’ Scandinavian sweet nothings into his ear.

Sadly, the Vikings win was bittersweet as this was Matthew Chapman’s last game with us. The SHC veteran and all round good guy left us for Paris this week. He leaves behind a minimum of 3 illegitimate children and the league record for ‘fewest words spoken in the locker room’. That’s right, folks, we might not have always heard him come in, but we always knew when he was on the ice. We’re going to miss his actual talent. But eh, he might come back for the finals – who knows? One thing’s for sure: he’s been a goddam perpetual beaut either way.

Heinous SHC jers? Check.
Characteristic Ketchup n’ Mustard mitts that could never possibly be misplaced in the rack room? Check.
Skating the wrong way down the ice in a drunken daze? Double Check!
We’re gonna miss you, ya duster

“True story – I went three seasons thinking Chappy was Canadian because he never bothered speaking up to correct us when we ordered the country flags for the jerseys. He plays like Hell when he’s shittered though, and he was too nice to correct us on the flag thing, so he’s unofficially Canadian now.”

In other totally serious news (for once) we had a few SHC alumni fly in to check up on the league. Special guest scorekeeper, Andy ‘Sigfrieds and Roys’, and Referees, Corey ‘Kia’ Sorrento and Tim Gardner, did their damnedest to live vicariously through the boys by screwing up the game in every facet they could. Longtime fans cheered when the classic throwback scenario of Corey being confused and Timmy going apeshit played out before their eyes.

“I just always wanted my kids to see that, ya know? Things are different nowadays – people take their jobs in this league pretty seriously. Back when these dusters were at the helm it didn’t matter if you knew how to skate, let alone hear what your reffing partner’s screaming at you! Christ, it was good to see them back. What a gongshow!”

-SHC Superfan

Sunday Night

Terracota Scorriors 8 vs. Beardogs 5 

Four weeks ago, the Beardogs collected their first win of the season against the Scorriors on the back of Mario Lestieux; however, The Magnificent Chan was listed as day-to-day for the rematch on Sunday night. Combine that with the perpetual absence of Sigve ‘Carrot Dick’ Klepsvik and the Beardogs were without the Supreme Reader’s two best friends. Nevertheless, the game was a high-scoring back-and-forth battle that could’ve swung in the Beardogs’ favor if JS could’ve just hit the net.

(insert joke here)

The Beerdogs opened the scoring with a quick gino from Eric ‘Button Masher’ Zeng, who pulled out a celly he learned from playing way too much chell. That was closely followed by a dandy from Nick Sprittney Spears. Tyler ‘That’s Not My Kid in the Profile Pic, I Swear!’ Perro kept the Scorriors afloat with a Hatrik Ruiz and a couple of organic apples straight from the J-Fit meal plan.

The Dogs got another pair from Nick ‘Hit me baby one more time’ Spears and Sam ‘Sitting bull, Running’ Xu added one of his own. Dorion Bryant has been hot since returning from his hiatus from hockey and decided to score a couple goals for the Scorriors, while his linemate and fellow gigantic human, Simon ‘Stolen Identity’ Stoeltze, added a goal of his own. The game ended 8-5 in the favor of the Scorriors, who are now 7-0 this season when there are more than 5 fans in the crowd.

Fingertraps ? vs. Puckhounds ?

Rumour has it that the Fingertraps actually knocked off the Puckhounds in this game for the ages. Unfortunately, nobody on the Fingertraps squad is literate enough to fill us in on the deets.

“Oh, Shane! We finally heard back from Bill Longstreet. Yeah, he says you can straight up go f@$k yourself!”

Well, that’s all she wrote for week 19, folks! Stand by for some final weekend of the regular season action and a super important message from the league Exec! Until then, keep yer stick on the ice!

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