SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 20 (End of the Line!)
Whatta Fantastic Finish, Folks!
The end of the regular season crept up on us slower than that identically dressed Chinese couple that always seems to be taking up the entire goddam sidewalk whenever you’re in a hurry. But now that it’s all wrapped up, it all seemed faster than that Aiyi with sharp elbows getting on the metro during rush hour.
“Jesus lady, just take the seat, I didn’t even want it!”
We had a couple laid-back games to close out March, proving the old adage true: In like a lion, out like a lamb. What’s more interesting, however, is how the breezy Spring air is ripe with chirps coming from all corners in anticipation of our semifinals slated for 13-14 April. Showdowns are set, and buzz around the city is building for the SHC’s annual Finals party on the 21st!
In other news, apparently GOING TO THAILAND ONCE A YEAR TO PLAY HOCKEY ISN’T ENOUGH FOR SOME OF OUR REGULAR MEMBERS! (see ‘Week 4’ for some more ‘Land of Smiles’ goodness) Congratulations to the old bastards that took home the hardware for their third year in a row in the +40 Tier III Division (or some such damn thing).
(Editor’s Note: I’m just envious for the first time since I was a teenager that I’m not old enough to do something cool)
Look who else showed their ugly mugs! (From left to right: Kev ‘Teeny Weeny’ Martini, J.P. ‘Never Gets Hard’ Grimard, Eric ‘We Miss You Pal’ Mascal, Bradley ‘Family Jewels’ Newell, and ‘Jawzy Jones’)
There seems to be all kinds of SHC alum hanging out in Bangkok these days, folks! But enough about that. Here’s yer friggen’ roundup.
Friday Night (March 30th)
Dirty Blues 9 vs. Terracotta Scorriors 3
Well folks, this one didn’t play out the way the Scorriors thought it would, but that’s what happens when go swimming with an open wound – the Sharknagel Marknado comes for ya. With 4 goals and 2 assists on the night, this glorious bastard could smell the blood in the air fer shure.
The SHC’s very own Estonian all-star, Jan Velich, also did his part, rippin’ a hatty and tacking on an apple for good measure.
Fans are already talking about how fun it’ll be watching these boys take on the Fog Devils on the 14th! Hold on to your butts!
Capitalists 2 vs. Fingertraps 1 (SO)
Friday night wrapped up with the final game of the regular season for both the Traps and Caps. Seeking the even the season series at 2-2, the Fingertraps started off strong. Arnold Strong.
(Pictured Above: Peter Helenius all jacked up on non-alcoholic beers)
The Traps had the Caps in their end for 90% of the first period, applying pressure to a team that seemingly lost its groove – and several players to boot. Regardless, the Caps’ defensive corps swept pucks away from the net with about as much skill as a bunch of sugar-buzzed children playing Hungry Hungry Hippo, while the goalie shut down anything that found its way through.
Eventually, the Caps decided they wanted to play on the clean ice down at the other end, and were able to launch a counter-attack. Ethan ‘MI6’ Hunt broke into the zone, shot a puck towards the net, then banged in his own rebound on a nifty solo effort.
“The ice really IS cleaner down at this end, jayyysus” –Ethan Hunt
After the break, the Caps stepped it up, and the chances started going both ways. At one point, the Traps capitalized on some pressure and evened it up.
Overtoime was boring, so the game went to the shootout. The Caps goalie stood tall, stopping all three attempts while Matt “Skate-Blade” Quaine got one through the five hole on the second Caps attempt. He had this to say afterwards:
“Some motha fucka’s are always trying to ice skate uphill” — ‘Skate-Blade’ Quaine
After the game, Franimal Dixon also had this to say:
“It’s a good thing Quaine recovered and scored on the second attempt. The last thing I wanted to do was put the team on my back with the 3rd shot. I’m kinda tired of carrying this team, ya know?”
“The next time I tell you to score, you friggen’ get it up and score!!” –Franimal
With the win, the Capitalists clinched 2nd place in the division. They play the Northmen in the Semi-Finals on Friday the 13th.
“Ch Ch Ch, Hah Hah Hah”
Sunday Night (April 1st)
Vikings 4 vs. Beardogs 1
In this sloppy Sunday affair, Vikings rook sensation, ‘Lil’ Debbie’ Sebbie Schaafsma racked up 2 goals, while Tomas ‘The Jawline’ Simonsson did his part, scoring 1 goal and serving up 2 assists. We looked for some Beardog players to interview after the game, but they were all busy playing for their own team, the Puckhounds, so we ended our game coverage there.
Northmen 2 vs. Puckhounds 0
The Northmen screamed into this game with a playoff-ready battle cry and finished off the Hounds 2 – zip to close out the regular season. It won’t be long now before our insiders here at the SHC reveal the secret to the Northmen’s recent success, so stay tuned for that (that 5-game win streak ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at!) Goal scorers for the night were Robert ‘Kevin Spacey’ Leiske and ‘It’s Not a Tumor’ BOOMi Lai
The unsung hero of this game was definitely the quiet little red-headed Swedish goalie who never says anything. He might not have a soul, folks, but he definitely had a shut out at both ends. Keep it up, young freak!