SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 4 (warning, contains an abundance of dick jokes)
Sweet Geriatric Genitals, folks!
As most of our loyal fanbase already knows, thanks to the ever-so-popular annual “Land of Smiles” tournament held in Bangkok this week, the vast majority of our beer league rosters were stripped barer than… welllllll…
Irrespective of this perennial pilgrimage to the land of purity, this week’s SHC playdowns saw some great on-ice action, to be sure. But with all the call-ups supplementing A league play, we were also forced to witness more leathery old man ball sacks than… wwwweeeelllllllll…
“Yeah, I play pro hockey in back in China – No big deal”
With a couple Thursday blowouts and a surprisingly soft-serve Sunday double header, Week 4 turned out to be one we’ll all be sure to forget. Unless of course you were one of the silly sinners in the ‘kok for the tourney; I’m sure there’s no cure in the world for those ‘memories’ you boys and girls picked up. But eh, at least we got an exclusive sneak peek behind the scenes at what makes the Vikings gel as a team, but more on that in a bit (hint: it’s not hookers).
Here’s your friggen’ roundup:
Puckhounds 7 vs. Fingertraps 0
On Thursday night the rink was alive and rockin’ in anticipation of Jason ‘McTalcum Powder’s’ Puckhounds squaring off against Tim ‘Soggy Bottom’ Cocchi’s Fingertaps. The ‘traps, who’ve fallen on hard times recently, did their best to stave off the onslaught of a ferocious Puckhound squad that has been making waves in the SHC community over the past few weeks. You see, with the additions of Paul ‘Eating Pork is Haram’ Karam and Michel ‘Labia Lasagna’ Labrie, the puckhounds picked up a pair of beauties that have made quick work of the stat sheets.
Paul: I don’t know why you want to play in Bangkok, I’m a good Muslim – you know that
Even lucky 13th round pick, Leon ‘Live hard, Die Free’ Lee snagged a goal and an apple in the 7-0 rout of a Fingertraps squad that was all ‘banged up’ in Thailand. Well, most were. Apparently, ‘Hitomi Tanaka’ Nakata san and Yuzo ‘the Bruiser’ san missed the game in favor of a visit to their local haunt, the Izakaya dinner and hostess club, which if you ask me is the same goddam thing.
Puckhounds power forward, Tyler ‘No Droopy Ladyboy Wieners for Me’ Garant passed on the Bangkok fever, so had another strong showing while the Fingertraps top line were off getting themselves mixed up in what can be best described as a ‘metaphorical fingertrap’ of sorts.
Pictured above: An STD
It’s worth mentioning that long-time crowd favourite, David Johansson, one of the founding fathers of the SHC, played his first game in 2 years. Surprisingly, his equipment was still on the racks (well, the bits that hadn’t been chewed through by rats) so he was literally the biggest duster on the ice.
Context, ya duster
Terracotta Scorriors 7 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 2
The second game of the evening was truly a battle of the A league basement dwellers, and the ankle bending was apparent from the get go. Regardless, the fans got to see an awakening of sorts as Aaron ‘Tryin’ to get back on top of the charts’ Liu ripped home 5 Ginos thanks to the slick passing of Old Man Tony Anderson, and Rickshaw Jimmy Bob Jackson. To be fair, the Bear dogs were without their SHC mandated 1st round Swede, Max ‘Ever Since Bangkok My Testicles Have Been Swellin’ Wendellin, which is probably why they had such a rough go.
It was either that, or the decision to play Mario LeStieux and The Supreme Leader on defense wasn’t such a good game plan. It turns out Kim Jung Sung has been too busy cranking darts with Dennis Rodman in the dressing room and could barely skate as a result.
Look at those stats, boys! Get this guy back up front!
Tyler ‘I have J-Fit to Thank’ Perro and Geoff ‘Ngnarly brah’ Ng added insurance ginos for the boys in snot green. However, after Geoffy scored with a few seconds left he made the ill-advised decision to celly like he’d just won the Shangley Cup. SHC Etiquette coach, Brett ‘The Hitman’ Syer, had some choice words for Geoff after the game. Regardless, he was seen fist pumping late into the night long after the lights went out at Feiyang.
Vikings 5 vs. Fog Devils 2
In a battle featuring the top two teams in the A division, fans streamed into the rink looking forward to an all out exhibition of skill and talent.
That’s not what they got.
Instead, they were treated to a lackluster performance from a Ruiz-less, Sloppy Devil Dog squad and a textbook takedown from the Scandinavian scourge in blue. Between periods we got a chance to catch up with team captain, Yodellin’ Yosef the Nature Boy Natour to ask him how his team’s chemistry managed to survive the mass exodus to the Land of Smiles.
Ah, it’s sho shimple. Before eve-ry game I get all de players together and zen we poot on our team underwear, yesh. Zen we DANSE.
After another 2 minutes of Jofa’s distinctly European body grinding and awkwardly unwavering eye contact, I thought it best to leave, but also started to understand how this method of bonding could bring a team closer.
*shrugging shoulders* “If it works, it works!”
In other notable news, League rooks and pre-teen phenoms, Edwin ‘4th and long’ Huang, ‘Shifty’ Sebastian Schaafsma, and ‘Oh boy! Better not piss off Hans’ Ian Zheng all potted goals. Which is hilarious because if you were to add their ages together you still wouldn’t reach half that of Barry Duke’s, who was happily filling in on D for the Foggy Delights.
Pictured Above: Barry Duke’s Scrotum
Pictured Above: Shifty “It’s not a PHAAASE, DAAD” Schaafsma
Ryan ‘Freefolk’ Baerg, Ritchie Rich Shaafsma (no relation to Shifty), and Matt ‘Assless Chaps’man scored the other goals for the Vikings in a well-controlled and lukewarm game. Helping out young Ian for the FD’s was Alberto Alumobyladi, the Fog Devils’ newly acquired Spanish winger, who scored a pretty sweet dinger in his debut.
Lions 0 vs. Northmen 4
In the second game of the Sunday night snus fest, The Northmen stormed the wall and pounded the ever-lovin’ puddin’ out of the ragtag toothless tiger crew. Wily play by league legend and beloved Cloun, Shama ‘The Uzbek Train Wreck’ led the Northmen campaign. His two goals and highlight reel bar-down dinger of a roofer inspired the rest of the wildlings to pick up the pace, as Jeff Goldblum uploaded a virus of his own into the Lion’s mothership before awkwardly mumbling his way back to the bench.
Goldstein: Oh yeah, uhhhhh, nice one. Nice pass there, uhhh Shama
Shama: Why we no gyirls on our team? BYLAD
It wasn’t long before Bam Bam Cam McBainspiel figured out that his skates were tied to the wrong feet, got his shit together, realized they were loafers, and rounded out the score at 4 for the Northmen raid party.