SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 5
Sweet Mother Mary and Joseph, Folks!
We thought it was going to be a pretty slow week down here at the offices of the SHC, but boy oh boy, were we ever wrong! As it turns out, Remembrance Day weekend sparked a few flashbacks for some SHC vets, and resulted in some on-ice incidents that left a few onlookers with some severe emotional trauma:“Noooooo, my gluten free milkshaaaaaake!”
There were all kinds of fireworks – and then some – but more about that later.
“One minute they were all there… the next second – gone… boys, seriously – who ate all my dates!?”
It goes without saying that the mental issues in this league are deeper and more serious than this action shot of an SHC vet out in the field after a game:
(Dear diary, I always told myself I’d never smoke, that I’d never do anything unhealthy. But earlier tonight I saw Duke’s balls in the shower, and it was as though I was glimpsing into the future – the abject horror of that brief moment shook me to my core. They were like a leathery crystal ball, misshapen, yet portending my inevitable ruin; my slow descent through time into physical disintegration. Why did I go vegan? Will it be worth it in the end? Is any of it worth it? Oh! Have to go, time for my 1730hrs pushup session. Lol, oh diary – of course it’s worth it. You get me.)
Here’s your friggen’ roundup.
Northmen 1 vs. Puckhounds 4
Boy howdy, folks! The first game of the night shot out of the gate at breakneck speed, and the fans were loving every second of it! ‘Tommy Bahama’ Nakayama led the charge from the point with 3 beauty snipes from all kinds of angles.
Pictured above: Tommy Bahama
We caught up to him after the game to get his thoughts on the match and his standout performance:
“Well yeah, ya know. I was just out there trying to put pucks on net and I got lucky a few times, fer sure. Well, gotta jet – I’m off to Zapata’s to see how far this streak goes! Even put on my lucky shirt!”
The Northmen defenders of the wall were a bit cheesed, to say the least. But we caught up with team captain, Liam to see what he had to say:
“The North ‘membahs, do you remembah? I ‘membah!”
(Editor’s Note: the interview was much longer, but we had to leave once Liam started bringing up some pretty painful memories from high school.)
Vikings 2 vs. Beardogs 0
In the second game of the evening the fans played witness to what turned out to be a tit-for-tat body checking clinic the likes of which we haven’t seen in at least… 3 weeks in the SHC. The beleaguered fans in the stands shook their heads in unison throughout the entirety of the match trying to make sense of what anger issues must’ve seeped into the two teams’ benches over the weekend.
“Rikard, my only son! I didn’t fly here all the way from Sweden to see this! If you don’t score I will disowwwwn youuuuuu”
Luckily for our diehard fanbase, none of the players were injured: not even 14-year-old phenom, Schifty Schaafsma, who got laid out at the blue line breaking out of his own zone.
“Naw, dawg. I’m aight”
Gameplay was pretty tight, despite the penalties, and league breakout rook, Tuomo ‘The Tank Engine’ Salmi, ripped one home with help from the Schaafsma family. Luckily for Rowdy Roddy Rikard, he got a goal with some help from ‘Dirty Harri’ Pitkannen and Ryan ‘Freefolk’ Baerg to earn his way back into his father’s good graces.
Capitalists 4 vs. Finger Traps 0
The first matchup between the former bankers first line since winning the summer Shangley, this matchup proved to be a hard fought affair. The Caps had a full lineup, which meant 3 rested and hard working lines skating down pucks. The traps, however, played true to their name and tied up the Caps for the first half of the game. Notable plays included Tony ‘Critchety Crotch Corn’ Kretchmar’s second goal of the season on a breakout pass of sorts from none other than Frances “Franimal” Dixon, who got her first ever point in the SHC – a shot that bounced off the inside of her silky smooth inner thighs and landed on the stick of a visibly excited Kretchmar.
The game continued with some nifty blue line work between long term partners in both hockey and love, Chris “I’m on top” Rekrutiak, and Peter “No fucking way, bud, that would be me” Helenius, getting the puck to Matt “Can’t tame the” Quaine, for his second on the season.
The Caps poured it on a bit more with Peter “Ssseriously you guys, I’m on top” Helenius firing a hammer from the point, and Richard “B League Kita” Wrubel firing a lone wolf shot from the top of the circle into the back of the net with the force of a thousand suns.
Terra Cotta Scorriors 3 vs. Dirty Blues 10
Jan. Fuckin’. Velich. Folks, for everything this Polack went through growing up in the foothills of Krakow, we’re happy to say that he’s finally found his stride. You wouldn’t believe it on a normal night, but ‘The Beast from the Ex-Communist Bloc East’ managed to pull his weight for once and either score, or get the primary assist on, every single DB goal that went between the pipes. The monster performance was reported on all three of Poland’s local news stations, and will go down in the SHC history books as the single greatest performance by a Polish player over 6’5”.
“We vote Jan for fairly elected democratic president!”
Jim D’Unngle, the Dirty Blues’ 3rd string Dman, enforcer, and resident bastard, had this to say:
“Holy fawk, boys. Didja see that? Didja see it?! C’mon, tell me ya seen it! What? Jan? No boys – I finally counted all the way to ten!”
(Photo Credit: Some Singaporean Chat Troll)