SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 6 & 7 (A Twofer, Ya Beaut!)
Week 6 & 7
Ho Jesus, folks!
It looks like the wonderful wizard of Feiy-OZ waved his magical appendage in the SHC’s direction yet again, resulting in some last-minute cancellations and sporadic action over the past two weeks. Actually, rumour has it that when the infamously stacked SKA squad came to town last week, star player, Ilya Kovulchuk, was holding a bit of a grudge. You see, apparently he’d gotten wind of 2016‘s Weekly Roundup (Week 7, ya rook!), and had taken offence to the wicked cool nickname our editors gave to him. Turns out he’s not a huge Blue Swede fan…
(Pictured above: An Excerpt of High-brow Humour at Its Finest)
Hell bent on revenge, the disgruntled ex-NHLer with a vendetta booked our regularly scheduled Friday night slot and used it to sit at centre ice in a folding chair by himself hammering back vodka and laughing vindictively.
“Oh hallo comrades! I bet you theenk I do not read Veekly Roundup, nyet. I read. Bylad! Thees iz NAT Windeeketive, iz how REECH Russians settle score!”
Unfortunately for the exec team, our peace offering of a half puck of snus and a couple hours with A league top-5 point scorer Albert “I’m up for Anything” Almukhametov wearing a blonde wig and heels couldn’t dissuade the drunken KHL all star from jamming up our Scheddie Murphy. But enough about our problems..
(…our photoshop guy’s got pneumonia…)
Here’s your friggen’ roundup:
Sunday Night (19th November)
Dirty Blues 6 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 0
Well folks, not a lot of people thought this game was going to be very smooth. Especially considering the few core players from the Dirty Blues and Beardogs who went out large the night before.
Jan: “Hey, You BeDDer Tell EVerYBody whERE I’m ACTUALLY fROM, AnDy!”
Stu: *singing incoherently*
Dunner: “Why in the sweet F@%k are you getting that crab claw daobao, Shaner?”
Luckily for the Dirty Blues, standout rook and all round stud, Sharknagel, lit the lamp 3 times for a hatty that carried the booze-soaked carcasses of his teammates well into the second half. Team captain, and Bosnian breakout star, Jan “The Sneaky Srebrenican Deker” Velich, put one home and added three helpers, while Kevin “Hank” Hill rocked a gino of his own. We caught up with Hill, a league vet, at the half to get his thoughts on the game:
“Boy I tell you wwwhat. I was in that locker room before the game and I think I’m drunk just off the fumes of those boys. That boy, Jim, that boy just ain’t right. Kept talking about his new business of sorts – haute couture plaid wear. Gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking ’bout it.”
(A Subsidiary of Teeny Weeny Martini Inc.)
“The Mayor of Memramcook”, Brad Newly, also played a great game, using his 2% body fat, high-speed/low-drag physique to rip up and down the ice, forechecking like a drunken maritimer with an abundance of classic chirps to go along with it. He sat down with us during the break to give us some insight into his anger:
“F@%k you, Anderson, I’ll flatten you, young buck. I’mma come to yer house and SLAM YER CUPBOARDS, bud. What you gonna do a’boot it anyways? I’ll dropkick your neck off. You got small balls and a cock like a CLAM’S NOSE!”
The man’s glassy-eyed intensity spread to the rest of the bench for the second half, as Mike ‘Mandingo’ Mann took it upon himself to throw a huge hit for no other reason than to get Newly off his back for being such a “green-livered corn shucker,” whatever that means. Solid defence from Necktwist Nyquist, J-Dunn, Mandingo, and Brown Bear contributed to a shut out of the hapless Beardogs.
Pictured Above: Coley “Brown Bear” Paterson hibernating at the theatre before the big game
Capitalists 3 vs. Puck Hounds 1
With the first match between these two historic franchises ending in a Puckhounds victory on opening night, the Capitalists were looking to equalize the season series and give the Puckhounds their first loss of the season. And with another stellar performance by league rook, Matt “Douglas” Quaid, things were beginning to feel like a TOTAL RECALL from previous weeks’ gameplay.
Pictured Above: Douglas Quaid
The game began with both teams chasing down pucks, covering D-men, and other strong positional play that, admittedly, we’re not used to seeing in the B division matchups. The Puckhounds opened the scoring before Peter “3rd overall pick” Helenius tied it up quickly thereafter.
As the second period started, it became apparent that both teams were running out of gas as the hard play continued. Jumping on an opportunity, Matt “Is there anything better than chick with three boobs? YUP! Try a three game scoring streak” Quaine potted the go-ahead goal with roughly half a period to go. The Puckhounds, seemingly not used to trailing in a game, decided to make it harder on themselves by pulling the goalie with 3 minutes left on the clock. Quaine potted the empty netter with some zest, and the Caps skated off with the victory!
Sunday Night (26th November)
Lions 0 vs. Puckhounds 8
Ho sweet Jesus! Whatta thumping, folks. Despite all the blatant body checks and vain attempts to slow down the wily Puckhound squad, there wasn’t much the Lion Heads could do to avoid being made to look like mewling kittens in this one. SHC newcomers, Tyler “The Terrible” Garant (2G, 3A), Paul “The Killer” Karam (1A), and Michel “Lasagna Lover” Labrie (1A), unleashed hell on a team that was hoping for a mercy rule to be implemented near the end of the first half. Perpetual Beaut, “Shady” Dave Dunkerly did more than his part (4 goals, 1 assist), while fellow league vet, Mike “How do you work Tinder, I’m so bad at this” Dorris, rocked out three points on the night (2G, 1A).
Fog Devils 5 vs. Binqiu Beardogs 3
In what was Ryan Porter’s last game of his SHC career, the stakes were high as Fog Devil’s team captain, HotLips von SuckMeister, tried to rally his troops before the game.
“Boys, we all know it’s Porter’s last game. I mean, he only joined at mid-season last year, and he’s leaving mid-season this year, which means I don’t really trust him all that much, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do everything humanly possible to set this miserable duster up for a goal tonight.”
And folks, try they did. Though in the end, all their efforts were in vain.
What a duster: literally, annnnd figuratively
The Beardogs used the Fog Devils’ precarious strategy of excessive Porter-on-the-doorstep setups against them in classic ‘wait-and-bait’ fashion: it wasn’t long before a beauty giveaway was driven straight up the middle onto the tape of SHC legend, Stuey Lemieux, for a gorgeous snipe that was dripping with pizza grease.
Pictured Above: Hans von Meister
The red machine eventually got it’s shit together and the top line of Ruiz (L), Ruiz (C), and Ruiz (R) went to work. That’s right, folks, Patrick “nothing less than a 10/10 for me, please” Ruiz had a hattie on the night, and was joined by surrealist line mate Alberto Paulo Cohelohametov, who racked up 3 apples and a G spot of his own.
It should be noted that the Beardogs pulled off one of their best games of the year, despite being heavily shorthanded (7 players). Here’s hoping they build off the momentum and keep this high level of competition where it belongs.
Well folks, that’s all she wrote for Week 6 & 7. Protip: keep an eye out for some ugly Christmas sweaters this weekend. We’ll be seeing you at the rink soon. And don’t forget, keep yer stick on the ice!