SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 8 (Auspicious AND Nutritious!)
Well hållo there, folks!
It looks like another chapter in SHC history is in the books. With gameplay being spread out across the past few weeks more sporadically than Barry ‘Roegain’ Roe’s hairline, it’s been hard to keep track of all the action, admittedly.
Goddamit, Shane! There is NOTHING wrong with my hairline! You know what? Get the Hell out of my spare Bathroom! Nnnngghyyyahhhh! *flips table*
That’s right, folks, with Thursday, Friday and Sunday night games coming together like a couple of beauty bookends to the week, highlights, goals and referee blunders were in full effect for the max capacity crowds down at Feisty ol’ Feiyang Figure skating arena. We had blowouts, low turnouts, Swedish man models on campouts, and – unexpectedly – an intimate lesson in how Shama treats gout.
In other news, the Bureau of Chinese Sports and Recreation kicked off their all new youth program, featuring none other than the SHC’s very own Barry Roe as the head coach!
I swear to God and all that is holy, child, if you flinch one more time when I’m winding up from the hashmarks I’mma rip your goddam head off.
But enough about that.
Here’s your friggen’ roundup:
Thursday Night (Nov.30th)
Northmen 1 vs. Capitalists 3
The polluted night sky and freezing downpour provided an ominous backdrop for the bright LED lights of the Feiyang hockey Mecca on Thursday night. The weekly live broadcast to hundreds of countries garners 10’s of viewers each week, and at least a dozen tuned in to see how this one played out.
The previous game between the White and Blue franchises was the longest game in SHC history – a 24-round shootout before victory could be claimed (editor’s note: that’s not a joke). This time around, both teams really wanted to settle the score as early as possible. The Capitalists came into the game strong and dominated the first 10 minutes like a skinny Japanese man in a hot dog eating contest. It all seemed to be going well for the Caps until Captain, Matt ‘trip/hook/slash’ Whately decided he wanted an extra rest in the penalty box, allowing the best power play unit in the SHC to work their Magic.
The Northmen big guns: Shama ‘No Drama’, Jeff Göldschlager and Liam Neeson pressured significantly, but goalie Sandy and oddly European sounding Capitalists’ defensemen, Rekrutiak and Anders, were able to keep the danger at bay. However, possibly due to his need to test the new refs, Whately took another blatant tripping penalty soon afterwards. This time the Capitalists were not able to stop the rush and eventually Robert “fisherman’s hook“ Leiske buried a slapper to make it 1-0 for the Northmen.
Deciding to play with 5 players for once, the Capitalists took the game to the Northmen’s zone for a while. After putting on some good pressure with some good shots on net, it wasn’t long before Harvey ‘Weinstein’ He was able to jam home a rebound for the equalizer.
“If I wasn’t supposed to tap it in, then why was it laying out for me on the doorstep like that?”
The Capitalists made some critical line changes going into the second half that resulted in even stronger pressure in the Northmen zone. Only a few minutes into the period, Peter ‘7-Game Goal Streak’ Helenius lobbed one in from the blue line to give white the lead. Fans could see the frustration of Northmen snipers, Shama Obama and Goldmember, who were off their usual game. At one point, the smallest Capitalist Ki ‘I don’t need a last name’ Ko (130 cm tall / 20 pounds) laid out the roughly-5-times-her-size Shamalamadingdong in the neutral zone.
Deciding it was time to put the game to an end Peter ‘Former Hockey Hair Glory’ Helenius scored his second of the game, giving the Capitalists a 3-1 win, cementing the admittedly awesome and childish game plan of only having players with numbers containing 6 and 9 involved in any points.
(Editor’s Note: ahhaha ahah ohhhhh 69 hahahaha get iiiidtt? lol lol o loololol!!!11!!!!)
Friday Night (Dec. 1st)
Lions 4 vs. Capitalists 6
The first back-to-back for the Capitalists this season saw them match up against a Lions team hungry for a win. With a few of their top guys out, former B star, and current A benchwarmer, Marty ‘McFly’ Magnan, went back to the future and suited up for the Lions.
The game started off strong for the Capitalists, with Matt “Climbing the stats board” Quaine potting the first goal of the game. Next up, Peter “8-game goal streak” Helenius floated his signature limp-wrister from the point into the back of the net. Not to be outdone, Matt “I told you I was climbing the stats” Quaine potted his second of the game after some nifty passing from blueline beasts, Chris ‘the R is silent’ Rekrutiak and the aforementioned Finnish Phenom.
At this point, The Lions woke up, with Martin ‘I got faster’ Magnan breaking down the ice, cutting through the whole Capitalists team before throwing it into the back of the net. Capitalists Captain Matt “No seriously, it was a breakaway” Whately, inspired by Martin’s moves, received the puck at the blue line and slowly moved it down the ice, eventually releasing a snail-like shot low glove side to make it 4-1. Martin ‘Delorian’ Magnan, quickly repeated his earlier moves, making it 4-2 a short while after, while Dennis ‘Age is merely a construct’ Larcombe blasted two quick goals into the back of the Caps’ net, tying the game 4-4 with plenty of time remaining.
Tired, but not out, the Caps leading scorer Matt ‘that makes it a hatrick’ Quaine dove at a loose puck in front of the brickwall Lions defence, putting it home and taking the lead. Harvey “2 sticks for 600” He added the insurance marker with a pass from Quaine.
After the game Matt Quaine had this to say:
“I saw Martin get 4 points. And I thought, f@$k it. I’ll get 5.”
And with that, the Capitalists ended their weekend with 4 points on the board.
Pictured Above: Marty ‘McFly’ Magnan, virtually every time he needs to ref
Fog Devils 0 vs. Dirty Blues 1
Well folks, the Dirty Blues are best known around the SHC for having one of the best penalty kills. And that’s no accident. You see, it’s not often we get a game without at least two DB players on the cusp of game ejection for stretching the ‘3 penalties and yer out’ rule. It seems all that experience playing shorthanded paid off in Friday’s late game as the DB’s held off the high powered offence of the Fog Devils for an astounding 7 penalty kills. Jan ‘The Srebrenican Deker’ Velich scored the lone DB’s goal before buying his tickets back to Bosnia for the holidays. We caught up with Fog Devil’s team captain, Hamish von Keister, and had this to say:
Hans: “Why do you assign children to my team, Shane? Every. F@$king. year. Year after year. You think this is a game?”
SHC: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do. But, wasn’t it you who coughed up the pizza onto Jan’s stick that led to the game-winning goal?”
Pictured Above: Ian Huang
Sunday Night (Dec. 3rd)
Scorriors 2 vs. Vikings 6
Damn, folks. I mean, damn. When Tömas Simonsson first stepped into the locker room for his evaluation skate last year, I have to admit it was a bit emasculating being undressed beside this guy. It was almost as if he had stepped right out of pages of the latest issue of GQ Fitness… I mean, look at this shit for f@$k sakes:
(Editor’s Note: GQ is more or less equivalent to Timeout Shanghai)
And as it turns out, this dumb Swedish bastard is more than just a pretty face. With a hattie on the night and an apple to round it out, it goes without saying that we have more than just a few reasons to be jealous of this blonde poster boy. Fellow Scandinavian pretty boys, Tuomo ‘The Turtleneck’ Salmi, Jofa ‘These eyelashes are au naturel‘ Natour, and Jared ‘not actually Scandinavian but I’m blonde’ Scotchmer, all did their part in this “man-model ensemble” performance.
Pictured Above: Disgruntled Scoriors captain Aaron Liu (2 goals on the night; rode his taxi home like it was a surfboard)
Fingertraps 2 vs. Northmen 0
Folks, we’re proud to announce that finally – FINALLY – the Fingertraps have made history with their first win as a franchise. It may have taken 8 weeks to come to fruition, but the atmosphere was electric in the Fingertraps locker room before the game. Rumour has it that Midori san, perpetual beauty and all round morale machine, made the rookie mistake of forgetting her skates at home.
With only 7 players left on the roster, and star player Hitomi TaNakata not wanting to dull his skates for the upcoming Monday shinny, the ragtag bunch’s hopes all rested on the shoulders of perpetual powerhouse, Joel ‘I’m probably Newly’s son – seriously – the resemblance is uncanny’ LaChappelle. Joely, much like his estranged Dirty Blues father, has legs that can go for days due to his hobbit-esque stature and unrealistically well-conditioned physique. He used his tenacious forecheck and breakout speed to keep the Northmen on their heels for the majority of the game.
Dennis ‘Da Menace’ Corcoran ripped one home in the first half, letting loose a pinball shot that banged off a couple shin pads before finding the twine. It wasn’t until a little while later that LaChappelle’s hard work paid off with a well-earned empty netter. Strong play between the pipes from Cokehound Karl and a record number of icings literally iced any chances the Northmen had of coming back.
Well folks, that’s all she wrote for week 8. Fun fact, week 9 gameplay is already underway, and the Christmas party is kicking off any minute now so get your asses down to Cages for some good toimes! And remember, keep yer stick on the ice!