SHC Weekly Roundup: Week 9 & 10 (SHC Does Tinder)
(Editor’s Note: After the site crashed we lost most of this article, so much of what you read below is incomplete or half baked – C’est La Vie!)
Sweet Tinder Tuesday, folks!
Let’s just begin with an apology – you see, usually things run like a well-oiled machine down here at the offices of the SHC. But, (and this is a BIG butt) much to the chagrin of our stakeholders, board members, and droves of fans waiting ever so patiently for our weekly updates, an unpredictable holiday phenomenon took the writer’s room by storm sometime in early December, rendering our immature and mentally ill-equipped interns completely ineffective.
Ah yes, this was something entirely, nay – singularly – unprecedented. And for the entire month of December, operations were pretty much a write-off. After gathering some eyewitness accounts and spotty compound camera footage, it seems some trench-coat-wearing greaseball known only as “lucky Pierre” somehow got past the security in Barry Roe’s apartment complex and managed to introduce Tinder to our writing staff when all the adults with healthy, stable relationships were scrambling around Shanghai buying last-minute Christmas gifts for their loved ones.
Child #1: “OMG, Daaad! Gift cards to Wagas! Awesoooome!”
Child #2: “Sweet! Mine are for Element Fresh! It’s like our birthdays all over again!”
Before we knew it, our bush league writing staff was swiping the town right with such unmitigated focus that the whole office was in washed away in a tsunami of ‘perfect opening line’ competitions, unsolicited advice on how to take the perfect bathroom-mirror selfie, and needlessly philosophical debates over the effectiveness of ‘super-likes’.
Luckily for us, the Tinder craze petered out sometime around New Years Eve after some particularly bad dates led to a revelation of sorts for a few of our staffers:
Girl #1: “Oh God, don’t look at him, he’s old as balls! Don’t let him see your face”
Girl #2: “He doesn’t look a GODDAM THING like his profile pictures”
Girl #3: “What did you expect, he invited us to play darts, FFS!”
Girl #4: “Look at that body. There’s no way he plays sports, let alone hockey.”
(Editor’s Note: Trick ass bitches…)
Ah yes, folks. It took a full holiday season of deception, omission, cheap dates and bold-faced lies to get it all out of our system. But we’re back! However, you know what they say: it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. It’d be a shame for us not to share with you some of the more interesting matches we came across over the past few weeks. I mean after all, after being deprived from your beer league news for this long, you deserve to know why, right?
(It was love at first swipe)
(It was difficult to figure out a spot, but it turns out we play in the same league – whatta beaut)
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Holy Hell, Shaner, how do I get IN ON THAT ACTION!?!” And the answer is simple, folks. I would suggest easing your way into the dating app catastrophe by starting with TanTan – you’re far less likely to get a match and everybody wants to kill your boner with marriage talk.
(She was a real prude)
But enough about that, here’s your friggen’ roundup:
Terracotta Scorriors vs. Beardogs
In their search for their first win, the Beardogs called upon the minor leagues to pump some life into their squad. Dan Wo called in for a pep talk before the game, but his call went unanswered. Captain JS was too busy calling to see where his defensemen were.
Unluckily for them, Tyler Perro has returned to his JFit form and used his cheat day to bury 5 pizzas. There were other players who scored, but they don’t really matter because Tyler Perro is clearly the face of the franchise.
In other news, this was the first game in SHC history that recorded 0 PIMs. The two teams were seen giving each other butt taps between whistles. The Beardogs and Scorrios may be at the bottom of the table, but they are putting the love back into the game of hockey. Consequently, this is the probably the reason they don’t win more games.
Lions 0 vs. Northmen 7
The Lions with a short bench, but a returning Marcus (insert nickname) Sphar and the Northmen with their regular almost full bench it proved to be the kind of rambunctious, hazardous, lopsided games we are used to seeing in the B league. The Northmen had 4 in the first, and another 3 in the second, with very little chances by the Lions. Even Northmen draft gurus Liam (nickname) Austin and Robert “Re-draft” Leiske conceded the Lions should get a player or 2 in the mid-season draft.
The scoring for the Northmen was 5 goals by Stephen “Vape man’s Twin” Dyer and 2 by Shama “Shamil” Shama, but the highlights of the evening were more the dangerous collisions we have come to expect from B league skating. Several players collided requiring stoppages in play. The final seconds of the game concluded with a real scare when Jim “I bike to and fro the rink” Scotti collided with fellow superstar Michael “I don’t use pinyin” Kwan. They were alright but the teams decided not to the shake hands in order to avoid the risk of more skating collisions and rather express their sportsmanship over wechat from the safety of a more frictioned surface.
After the game we met up with self proclaimed Northmen coach Robert “you drafted me too early” Leiske for his comments on the win. He expressed his disappointment in the guys who were drafted earlier than the guys who scored goals tonight, luckily he had a printed copy of the draft on hand to show SHS reporters how they should have drafted. We tried to catch up with other Northmen players, their comments were somewhat incoherent.
Puckhounds 3 vs. Northmen 2
The Puckhounds and Northmen squared off Sunday night for a classic B league dual. The Puckhounds came in on the back end of back to back games but this is B league hockey, not the NHL, so no excuses where given for a slow start.
First period action saw the Puckhounds jump out to an early lead with Tyler “The youngest 50 year old in the league” Garrant netting another hard working goal. The Northmen came screaming back with Robert “the hammer” Leipske’s top shelf clapper from the blue line leaving the Puckhounds in unfamiliar territory tied at the intermission.
The second period saw the Puckhounds gather in zone control keeping the Northmen dead while walking. Multiple penalties from the Puckhounds kept the game close while each team netted a second goal. Jeff Goldstein’s golden opportunity to break the Northmen out on the breakaway was snatched up by Sandy the three headed dragon in net. Back and forth action came down to Paul “I stay cool in the shade” Garrant’s nifty backhand with less than 3 minutes remaining. Puckhounds hold on for the 3-2 victory continuing tough times for the Northmen. Winter is on hold.